Why We Feel Insulted - 5 Steps to Turn Offense into Strength

Have you ever tried to help someone, only to be met with that tone? You know the one — the subtle dig, the dismissive glance, the air of superiority that makes you pause and wonder:
“Wait… did they just talk down to me?”

In today’s episode of Holly’s Highlights, we’re unpacking a powerful truth:

👉 What if offense is more than hurt feelings — what if it’s an opportunity for growth?

You’ll learn:
💡 Why your brain processes offense like physical pain
💡 The two core emotional needs offense threatens
💡 How to reframe your interpretation using biblical truth & psychological insight
💡 5 practical steps to turn offense into strength
💡 Why pausing before reacting can protect your peace — and your purpose

With wisdom from Scripture (Proverbs 19:11, Ecclesiastes 7:21), insights from therapy models, and a vulnerable real-life story, Holly walks you through how to go from wounded to wise — from reactive to resilient.

✨ Whether you’re a parent, leader, friend, or faith-driven encourager — this episode will help you:

✔️ Guard your identity
✔️ Respond with grace instead of gossip
✔️ Reclaim your power when someone else’s tone tries to steal it

🔔 If this episode hit home:
✅ Subscribe so you never miss a moment of encouragement
📝 Leave a review — it helps more women find hope and strength
📲 Share this episode with a friend who’s navigating hurt or misunderstanding
📚 Grab Holly’s book “Face-Lift: Embracing Hope Through Heartache” — available on Amazon & local bookstores

💬 Join the conversation:
Have you ever felt dismissed or talked down to when trying to help? How did you handle it — and what did it teach you?
DM Holly on Instagram or tag @hollyshighlights with your takeaway from today’s episode!

Next Week: 🎧 “How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt — A Practical Guide for People-Pleasers” 💪

🌟 And remember:
You is smart. You is kind. You is important.
And you are strong — even when it stings.

Transcript

Welcome to Holly's Highlights

Speaker 1 0:01

Hi , friend , welcome to Holly's Highlights , a podcast designed to encourage , inspire and equip you to intentionally live your life full of purpose . I'm your host , holly Kirby , motivational speaker , leadership cultivator , marketing strategist and personal cheerleader . Let's check out today's highlights . Hi , I am Holly Kirby , speaker , author and host of Holly's Highlights Podcast . Want exclusive insights behind the scenes stories and tools to level up your life and business ? Join my free email list today . You'll get early access to podcast episodes , event updates and special content just for you . It's quick , it's easy and , yes , it's 100% free . So head on over to hollykirbycom and sign up now . That's wwwhollykirbycom . Let's stay connected . I've got so much more to share with you .

Speaker 1 0:55

Hello , my friends , have you ever tried to help someone ? Maybe offered your time , your energy , even kindness , and instead of appreciation , you got that tone . Now you know the one , that subtle dig , that air of superiority , that chest tightening feeling that makes you think , wait , did they just talk down to me ? Well , it happened to me recently and I was genuinely trying to help someone . But the way they spoke it just felt like I was being dismissed , like I didn't measure up , and , I'll be honest , I felt not only hurt , but I felt offended . But here's the question I want us to unpack today why do moments like that hurt so deeply and , even more importantly , how can we use offense as a tool for growth rather than emotional baggage ? So what's really happening when we feel offended , when we feel insulted ?

Speaker 1 1:50

There's actually a fascinating psychological process happening . According to research from the American Psychological Association , perceived insults trigger the same regions of the brain as physical pain , especially the anterior cingulate cortex . In other words , your brain processes social rejection and emotional hurt like a punch in the gut . But there's more . When we sense condescension , it often pokes at two very human needs , the first of those being the need for respect because , let's face it , we're humans and we are wired for dignity . But that second one is the need to be seen accurately . We want our intentions to be understood . Now , when either of these get threatened , the brain's threat detection system so the amygdala it goes into high alert and that's why our heart races , our face gets warm and even our mind starts firing back those mental comebacks . Or , if you're like me , it doesn't come until later on , and then I kind of regret that I didn't come up with them sooner . But it's actually probably a good thing that I didn't hurt anyone's feelings by being able to come back with such wit . Well , here's the twist we need to keep in mind when this happens what we feel isn't always what actually is being said .

Speaker 1 3:07

Dr Albert Ellis , the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy , once said you largely control your emotion by how you interpret what happens to you . So sometimes people are really talking down to us , but other times their tone is shaped by their own insecurities or stress or even just lack of self-awareness . And we just happen to be the nearest target In my situation , when I replayed the moment , I realized I didn't just hear their words . I actually filtered it through past experiences where I had been underestimated , and that filter then magnified the sting . Now , when I get in my feels , I like to see what scripture says about how I'm feeling , and the Bible actually has a lot to say about how we handle moments like these . Proverbs 19.11 says A person's wisdom yields patience . It is to one's glory to overlook an offense . And Ecclesiastes 7.21-22 reminds us Do not take heart all the things that people say , lest you hear your servant cursing you . Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others . Now these verses aren't telling us to ignore mistreatment , so don't misunderstand me , but they are encouraging us to choose a posture of patience and perspective , recognizing that offense is often a mirror , and it's showing us both their humanness but also our own . Eleanor Roosevelt famously said no one can make you feel inferior without your consent , and you might recognize that from our season two , episode 17 , topic of overcoming inferiority . Now , while Ms Roosevelt's words are empowering , they also are a challenge , because it means part of the work is actually ours .

Speaker 1 4:51

The way we respond determines whether we stay in a place of offense or we move into a place of strength . So how can we turn offenses into that strength ? Well , there's five we're going to unpack here . First of all , pause before reacting . Give your brain just six to 10 seconds to switch from that amygdala so the reactive brain to the prefrontal cortex , the rational side of the brain . Deep breathe , relax your shoulders , count to 10 .

Speaker 1 5:23

In my book , facelift , I share how we need to be cautious responding to texts or emails when we're hangry or tired or emotional . Well , this applies here too , of being in our feels . I often remind my kids we don't have to respond to things right away . We're often better actually of just taking a moment to breathe and to pause before reacting or replying , and I like to even add in there , pray about it . You'll notice . This response instead of reacting technique also helps you build that emotional intelligence too , and that is something that a lot of businesses look for in their leaders and even their new hires is emotional intelligence . So pause before reacting .

Speaker 1 6:06

Number two ask yourself is this about me or them ? See , often people project their frustrations or their own insecurities , and that doesn't make it okay , but it can help you to not internalize it . We can , however , ask ourself why it bothered us so much and then try to trace that emotion so you can work on that . Maybe their words reminded you of a past rejection or failure that haven't fully processed as you thought you had . We can also take it and ask ourself is there any truth to what they said , anything that we can learn from it ? But again reminding yourself that often people are projecting . So this is more about them than us , and that can help us not take such a hard emotional hit , but rather help us build a bit of resilience . So is this about me or them ?

Speaker 1 6:57

Number three seek clarity without accusation . So try asking hey , I may be misunderstanding , but can you clarify what you meant . One thing to keep in mind . Here is something I heard recently from a superintendent of a school district out here in Utah . He said texting or emailing should be for informational purposes . Talking in person should be for conversational purposes . That's brilliant . So much can get lost in translation when we text or email . So take the time to seek clarity in person Now . Seeking such clarity helps turn the offense into a moment of growth . But perhaps that growth is going to be for both of you , into a moment of growth . But perhaps that growth is going to be for both of you . See , so often we have a fight or flight response to such insulting moments . Again , check out my book Facelift Embracing Hope Through your Heartaches , which is available on Amazon and through your local bookstores , for more on this topic . But , as I tell my kids , don't run from your giants or , in this case , situations that make you feel uncomfortable . Otherwise your giants are only going to get bigger . So seek clarity without accusation .

Speaker 1 8:07

Number four guard your identity . Your worth isn't up for debate period , so root yourself in truth . Psalm 139.14 tells us I praise you because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made . Now , part of life is learning . We're all different . We have different personalities and likes and dislikes , life experiences , approaches to things . You name it . And don't get me wrong . We don't need to be a doormat to people , nor do we need to let such offenses harden our hearts and make us bitter and cold . But we can remind ourselves that other people's behavior toward us doesn't have to define our identity . There's a song out there I absolutely love . It's called the Truth by Megan Woods and it's regarding reminding ourselves who we are . It says we all fall short of the glory of God . We all are sinners who have the opportunity to be saved by grace . We all have room to grow in areas we can improve and we are all of worth , period . So guard your identity .

Speaker 1 9:24

Number five decide what to carry forward . Not every battle needs to be fought , but every moment can teach us something . We can take such comments and apply what we can from them , but the rest of it that doesn't apply . Let it go . Learn when to walk away , what or who to block on social media , when to disengage , when we need to Protect your peace . That is part of your strength and the power you have in any situation . When my kids have been on the opposite end of an offense or just feeling down . I remind them of something we hear on the movie the Help you is smart , you is kind , you is important , and I always add to that , depending on which child I'm talking to , you is handsome or you is beautiful and you is loved . So decide what to carry forward Now .

Speaker 1 10:18

A final caution be slow to share . When we're hurt , our instinct is to vent . We want to go , tell anyone and everyone who will listen , and we want validation about how we're feeling or what we're going through , and there are situations we are going to need wise counsel to be able to help navigate a situation . But pause and ask yourself two questions before you go and share this information . You have , or have someone done you wrong ? First of all , have I gone to God about this more than I've gone to others ? And above that , did I go to God first ? We don't grow stronger by gossiping . We grow stronger by grounding ourselves . So the next time someone's words sting like a subtle jab , remember this offense is actually an invitation not to bitterness but to a deeper understanding of yourself and others .

Speaker 1 11:15

Now let's go back to that moment I shared at the beginning , the one where I was just trying to help and instead I felt talked down to and just disrespected . In the past , I might have stood on that moment for days , replaying it , rehearsing what I should have said , letting it take up too much space in my mind and in my heart . But this time I chose to pause , I took a breath , I took it to God and prayed about it and , instead of reacting out of hurt , I asked myself is this really about me ? Or is this person coming from a place of their own stress or insecurity ? And you know what that next week unfolded , pretty much as I had cautioned about . No need for any comments in return , no need to say I was right . Perhaps they never even knew how they came across , but I didn't let it define me . I reminded myself of who I am , of whose I am , and I chose to let that moment strengthen me instead of shake me . And you can too .

Speaker 1 12:16

Now , if this episode encouraged you , be sure to subscribe to Holly's Highlights . Leave a review . This helps others find the show . Share this episode with a friend who's perhaps felt misunderstood lately , and even check out my book Facelift Embracing Hope Through your Heartaches . It's available on Amazon and in your local bookstores .

Speaker 1 12:34

Now coming up in a few weeks is how to set boundaries without guilt a practical guide for people pleasers . So this topic might be a good one to tune into . On this next one as well , remember my friend you is smart , you is kind , you is important and you is strong even when it stings . Until next time , stay encouraged , stay inspired , stay equipped and keep shining your light . Thank you for joining me on this journey of life . I hope that today's highlight has been encouraging , inspiring and equipping so you can go out and live your life full of purpose . I'd be honored if you'd take a moment to leave a review or , better yet , subscribe . We can also stay in touch by joining my email list at hollykirbycom , that's H-O-L-L-Y-C-U-R-B-Y dot com . Until next time , make it a great day for a great day .